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Which substitute henchman should I employ while Bongo is away?


My seven foot henchman Bongo is to attend a henchman s convention in Transylvania later this week. Of course should my enemies hear my henchman is not around I would be most vulnerable, I can almost hear my arch nemesis Baron Von Bigwig Smithe III cackling to himself as he plans my downfall.

So I have sough out a temporary replacement for my seven foot chum. &quot:Goons R us&quot: have sent round two candidates the first Chop Chop as he calls himself is trained both as a sumo wrestler and a ninja although I think at 5 9 tall and 26 stone his skill as a sumo wrestler is more his forte. The only problem being with him would arise if I wanted him to do something quickly &quot:Chop Chop chop chop, you see.

The second candidate Death Face as he s known (a catchy name) is somewhat of a mystery the son of a Hungarian gypsy woman and a bolt of lightening which sparked his conception (most unusual) he claims his special skill is the ability to rip a mans heart out through his nose, his other hobbies include jigsaw puzzels.

Which one should I employ, as they are both thoroughly decent eggs in their own way.

Having used the”Goons R Us” service in the past, I will gander through my memory banks to give you some useful insight.

Chop Chop:

Only 13 words per minute on an old fashion typewriter (he says his abnormally large index fingers makes the task unjust).

He makes one hell of a green tea (from scratch mind you).

He speaks six different languages (none of them very fluently).

Has a disdain for babies and expectant mothers. Has expressed on numerous times that he has a fondness for his deadbeat dad who he has never met.

Brags about killing two birds with one stone on a hunting trip.

Death Face:

A bit of a ladies’ man. Follows the love them and leave them motto.

Volunteers at a soup kitchen when possible. Perhaps he confused me with someone that gives a s_h_i_t about volunteer work.

Can leap a picnic table in a single bound.

Can kill a man with a toothpick.

Leaves cell doors and temporary prisons unlocked.

Well, I was leaning towards Death Face at first (just for the heart thru the nose visual- it would keep the staff in line)
But then I noticed Hattie’s response to volunteer to assume the position. ( How many here have not uttered those words before. )

Anyway, Hattie gives you more benefits than either of these two fine gentleman. From a distance, or close up with poor lighting, Hattie and Chop Chop would actually look very similar. Thus giving the ‘attacker” a false sense of security that indeed your guard was Chop Chop.
Being men, we all know we will never back down from man on man challenge. But no person on the face of this planet can instill horror or the fear of God into a man’s soul like our dear Hattie.

Just a thought.
Good Luck with this.

I would employ them both, Rotter, because, I hate to be the one to tell you, but Bongo is not, as you believe, at a “Henchmans convention” at all, because I saw him, at the Flat Cat Club, only last night, accompanied by your Nemesis, Von Bigwig Smithe. Very conspiritorial they looked to!
I think Bongo, has been “Headhunted” by the Baron, as part of his plan to ensure your downfall, and you should be making contingency plans, as quickly as you can , before the Traitorous Bongo returns, to no doubt to bring about your untimely demise. Chop Chop, and Deathface sound like stout, reliable Goons, and should be able to deal with the formidable former Henchman between them,
and maybe afterwards, to deliver Bongo’s severed head to the Baron, just to kick him into touch. He’s not even a proper Baron, anyway. His Father was an Able Seaman in the Merchant Navy, and his Mother was a Dockside Doxy, from Portsmouth. They only ever met once, and his Father died, shortly after the encounter, from a particularly virulent strain of Knobrot.
Sorry to be the Bearer of bad tidings, but someone had to tell you, and I never baulk at unpleasant tasks. I’d offer my services as Bodyguard, par excellance, but, I’m afraid you couldn’t afford me.
That, and the fact you’re such an Absolute Rotter.

I think that “Death Face”, (surely that can’t be his real name?) would fit the bill admirably, I am a bit troubled by his ancestry, but he will probably suit your purpose to a Tee!
Is that Tee or Tea, you know, the one you drink occasionally when the Vicar calls (yours obviously laced with some alcoholic Spirit)
I digress, talking of Tee’s, I lost one on the third this morning when playing an individual Stablford. Now! Rotter, Google Dr Stablford of Wallasey Golf Club fame, He has such a luxuriant Moustache, his portrait graces the Club House there!
Well must get my beauty sleep, I’m on the first Tee at 10 am tomorrow! Pip Pip! Old Fruit.

Since the economy sucks right now, I would employ both henchmen on a temporary, part-time contract basis. This way, you will not have to pay benefits.

When Bongo comes back, you can let both Death Face and Chop Chop go but you should do it very carefully (I would suggest having Bongo drag both of them back to the Goons R Us temp agency for your protection).

I most difficult position to be in, sir, if I may say. I have crossed swords with this reprobate Baron Von Bigwig Smithe III on two previous occasions – a most devious character indeed.
“Goons R us” are a reputable company so it matters not whom you choose. I would suggest though that Chop Chop would be a better choice, for if Humphrey’s gets wind that the other chap Death Face is of Hungarian blood, then I fear you may see neither of them again. (Remember her fling with Adolf)

Both men should be more than a match for Baron Von Bigwig Smithe III, I would imagine. Personally I would hire Death Face, he sounds like a hoot!

I have an alternative for you to consider, Rotty… Me!

As you know I have a wealth of experience in the marital (did I spell that right?) arts, and have studied under many a great swordsman.
Don’t be fooled by the fact that I’m an 80yr old nudist, 4ft high in stilettos, and entirely circular in shape.
“Could this sex kitten really kill a man?” I hear you ask. The answer is “Yes, eventually”.

So keep both Choppy AND Deathy, old boy – but only as semi-naked serving lads. For protection you need ‘Half Nelson Hattie’!
I will form a one woman human shield over you, AR – a kind of ‘blanket-o’-flab, if you will – whilst simultaneously being ready at all times to give Von BigWig a right good f*sting should he sneak into your boudoir.

Your servant, sir!

You just can’t get decent henchmen these days, and all the truly great ones of the past are, well, past it. The only surviving Bond henchman is Jaws, who now looks like Old Man Steptoe but with steel teeth. He’s currently the only pensioner in Britain who gets his spot welding done on the NHS.

Relying on firms like ‘Goons R Us’ is very unsatisfactory, as it’s just a temp agency for psychotic killers and sometimes they have a quality control problem.

In your present situation, I suggest hiring both. Not only are they suitable for different tasks, but if one of them proves particularly unsatisfactory, you can always get the other to eliminate him.

not so much a henchman but a certainly a very good body guard. in tokyo there is a very reputable company by the name of RENT-A ZILLA
the number is 1800 rent- a zilla. just make sure you read the contract on what not to do otherwise you’ll get a ticket from the TCPD. the Tokyo Police Cataclysm Division.

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